And its out....

Sara's tooth fell out while at daycare on Thursday! 

The tooth fairy brought her a nice little note and a dollar for this tiniest and most precious of teeth.

That didn't take long!  And the one right next to it is just barely starting to wiggle.  It would appear the tooth fairy will be at our house again soon!

A New First!

I am happy to report, that after Sara's been asking me for months when it will happen, she finally has her first loose tooth!

Sara is super excited about it, but at the same time nervous about the actual falling out part. 

We've been talking a lot about the tooth fairy for 3 days now, and she goes back and forth about being excited and scared.  I don't remember being scared when my first tooth came out, but each kid is different!

So that's it, nothing much else new going on.  Same old school and PT routine for us!

Surgical Follow-up

This post comes a little late, but better late then never right?!?

This past Tuesday Sara had her 1 month follow-up appt from her hip surgery.  And I'm happy to report, Sara's hip looks awesome!!!  Its completely healed and staying in the socket through out her range of movement!  Yea!!

Now for the news I didn't expect to hear at this appt....Sara has a stress fracture in her lower right leg!

Yes, you read it correctly.  Sara has a broken leg (technically) on the right side.  We discovered this because Sara's lower leg on that side is still somewhat swollen, so the doctor wanted to check it with x-ray.  And sure enough, his suspicions turned out to be correct.

The fracture is very small, and already starting to heal on its own.  It has formed a "ball of calcium" around the fracture to stablize it while it heals.  Its the body's way of making its own cast, and that's why her leg still looks swollen...because she has this large "ball" in her leg. 

The doctor said that the fracture is several weeks old and believes it either happened during surgery when they flipped her because her bones in that leg are so thin and fragile.  Or it could have happened because of the swelling inside the cast could have put pressure on the bone and snapped it that way.  There's no way to know exactly when or how it happened.

The treatment plan??  To do nothing.  Anything he would do at this point would probably just make the situation worse.  So we will let the body heal it on its own, which will take several months.  I have to take her back for another follow-up in 3 months so we can x-ray the break again and make sure the body is still healing!

But good news over all!  Her new hip is looking great, PT is going fantastic, Sara is already up and walking some, and the fracture in her right leg is healing!

Great News, No More Cast!!

Sara's appt was perfect!!!  Her hip x-rays looked amazing and we were able to remove her cast today!

Sara says her leg is sore, but that's not unexpected considering she hasn't used it in 6 weeks.  But despite her discomfort, she is a determined little girl and was up crawling tonight.  She is slower than water running up hill, and her balance is pretty bad considering she's on all fours, but its a start....and for only 4 hrs out of the cast, its great!!

Sara will be home from school one more day, tomorrow, so that she can get her bearings when it comes to her mobility.  I want her to have some time to figure out her limitations before being in a classroom with her peers, who can be less than graceful at times like all kids that age.

Sara's birthday wish this year was to get her cast off and get back to school.  Well, thanks to today she's halfway there.  And I think she'll return to school Thur, on her birthday, just in time to celebrate with her peers.  I know she's super excited to get back there!

Here is the picture of her x-rays before and after!  I don't think I need to tell you which is which.

One more chapter completed, and one more challenge surpassed!  On to the next mountain side....

Hurrying to the Hospital...Again!

Today started with an early trip to the hospital set up by Sara's pediatrician.  We saw him late last night about Sara's swollen foot and shin, and he was so concerned he called over to the hospital and they told us to come in first thing today.

Sara has continued to have swelling issues with her right foot and lower leg since we modified the cast last week, but since coming back from her dad's earlier in the week, I just wasn't able to get the swelling under control again.

So off we went to be squeezed in early this morning, and we ended up cutting the cast some more.  It was debated if it was better to cut it above the knee, or take off the entire right leg section.  It was decided that taking off the entire right leg was better because Sara's swelling is actually fluid retention because of her lack of a lymphatic system in that leg and foot.  Damn tumors!  It was believed if we cut just above the knee, in another few days we'd be back again because the fluid is just going to continue taking what room we give it.  

So out came the "evil" saw again, and Sara was less than thrilled! But she was a trooper, not even crying once.  She was super helpful, and was really happy when we were done.  Now Sara can move her right leg around and hopefully that movement will help get that fluid back to moving again.  And since we cut it all the way up to her hip, let's hope that will be the last time until we just take the entire thing off.

Here are some of the pics from our exciting morning!

Sara's huge foot that caused us another unplanned trip to the hospital.

Sara being brave while the cast tech started cutting.

More being brave, and when we were so close to her butt.

Trimming the edges so it won't poke or cut her.

Sara's new look!

Sara was really upset when we had to cut off Grandma's angel. , so the tech was kind enough to cut it out and tape it so she could keep it.

The discard pieces!

I think this is really going to work!  It was nice to be able to wash her leg when we got home too, but oh the dead skin!  Its flaking off EVERYWHERE!!!  Ewwww!!!

And Sara is really excited to have her leg and foot back!  She's already trying to figure out how to move around on her own now, and I doubt it will take very long.  I'm sure that's the next thing I'll be blogging about in regards to this whole part of Sara's NF adventure.

Week 3

Today marks the third week since Sara's surgery!

Sara is doing great!  She has no pain, and life in a half body cast is as good as you would expect it to be.  We've been able to get a good routine going for the simple things in life like, washing hair, brushing hair, brushing teeth, sleeping, and all the routine style things we all take for granted each day.

The hardest part for me is that Sara needs my undivided attention, more than I had assumed she would. Its not surprising at all since she can't walk to get anything herself, or even sit up or switch positions on her own.  Its been really hard to get even the simplest of things done, like laundry, even though I'm home all day.  You add that with no break for either of us because Sara couldn't travel for the last 2 weeks we've been home, and it makes for some really stressful (cry my eyes out) moments.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining! I'd do it again if I had to and for however long my baby needed me to.  But its nice to be back to work and at the "beck and call" of someone else.  LOL!


Yesterday we headed over to Sara's school to meet with her care team.  We went over everything Sara will need through out the day, care and supply wise.  We needed to get a plan in place, and then, of course, it had to be written up and signed/approved by all parties.

Sara is very excited to get back to school!  I know she's missed it, and all her friends.  And I know they've all been worried about her because they've called and sent notes over the last couple weeks.

Of course, returning to school means my new found routine is now old hat and I have to start again.  Ah, worse things could happen!  Life is ever changing, and Sara's faster than most.  Its just part of the deal with you have a special needs child.  Things change often, and there is no such thing as status quo.

If Sara is able to get her cast off at her follow-up, and the docs believe its very possible, then we've made it halfway!  And I'm sure we've already survived the hard part...the pain, the swelling, the hospital, the adapting.  Now we just chug along until the 29th arrives and see what happens.  Cross your fingers!  Sara's birthday is just two days after that, and since she got a new hip for Christmas it would seem appropriate that she gets her cast off for her birthday.  Let's hope that's the case!  Probably be the best birthday present she could ask for this year!

The Rules of Staring

Finally this weekend I was able to get Sara out of the house!  We didn't go anywhere exciting by most people's standards, but for us it was awesome!  We went to the store and did some grocery shopping, and then drove through the bank drive-up.

Sara was so excited to be out in the sun.  It was pretty cold out, but she still rolled her window down a little and enjoyed the fresh air and breeze (until she got cold).  I was excited too.  Its hard being stuck at home all day every day, never able to leave.  I don't know how people do it!

Of course, there were rough moments since it was our first outing in the cast, but overall it went well and we had a good time.

And like all of us with children who's special needs show on the outside, there are the looks.  And it was particularly bad this time.  Maybe I'm more sensitive because I know she's different, and I'm still getting used to it to.  I don't know, but man, people LOVE to stare!

My niece was with us because she'd come for a sleepover the night before!  The girls had a great time, and it was a good distraction for Sara.  Since I needed to push the cart, my niece pushed Sara around in her chair, and did an excellent job.  But as we are standing in the checkout line, she says to me that this woman won't stop staring at her.  And in my casual, not at all trying to hide what I'm saying voice, I tell her that some people just have no manners and insist on staring at anyone who was different.  And that the woman was staring at Sara, not her.

Sara is used to being stared at, and handles it quite well for the most part.  But my niece, not so much.  Typically family get together time is done at somebody's home, so it isn't something she's used to.  She replied she didn't like it and didn't think it was very nice.  I know the woman heard all this because she gave me this nasty look like I was calling her something horrible.  I would have had choice words for her had my niece and daughter not been present.

There is subtle differences in the looks people have when they're staring, and when you've been stared at enough you can tell what they're thinking.  Some people stare with true curiosity about what's going on with Sara, others (most of them) just stare with pity assuming her life is awful, but this woman stared with that look of how dare I bring a "defective child" into the world.  And because I did, I'm obviously a horrible person.

What gives her the right to judge my daughter, and the value of her life?!?  She knows nothing about us, who we are, and what we've been through to get here.  And honestly, I feel pity for her.  It must be awful to live with a belief system that leads you to think that some people are better than others.  I'll be the first to admit that I don't agree or like the way some people on this planet choose to live, but that's not for me to judge.  If it makes them happy (and they aren't hurting anyone else to do it), then so be it.  Just don't tell me about it or try to engage me in it.

I know its hard not to stare at something you're not used to.  I still catch myself doing it from time to time.  Its human nature!  But if you're going to stare, than be prepared for what might happen next.  You can't expect to stare at someone and there be no consequences, good or bad.  Like everything else in life, there are consequences for the choices we make, and sometimes they aren't at all what we want.

Unexpected Hospital Visit

Well, yesterday Sara and I ended up at the hospital because of a complication she's been having with her cast.

Since surgery Sara's right foot (the side we didn't fix) has been swelling considerably, to the point Sara complains about pain.  We knew that this foot would have some swelling issues because with all the tumors she has on that side she has basically no lymphatic system.  And since she isn't up right and walking or moving around to get the muscles to do the work, it just swells.

The real problem was that it would begin to swell too much and cause pain after only 10 or 15 mins of sitting up.  So since we've come home from the hospital, Sara's pretty much only been able to lie down 24/7.

Yesterday I called the surgeon's office about something else, and the nurse asked about how the swelling was going.  I talked to her about it a while back a couple days after we'd been home.  I told her it continued to be a huge problem, and she said that it should have resolved itself by now and to bring her in right away.  So off we went to the hospital.

We saw the PA, and he was great!  We talked out the issue quickly, and came up with a solution.  We cut part of the cast out to make more room, and then placed the cut piece back in loosely and keep it all together with an ace bandage.  It works great!  I can loosen it when her foot is swelling if I need to, and now Sara can finally leave the house.  We can go to the store, for a walk, and now Sara can finally travel to her dad's.  She hasn't seen him since being discharged because he lives too far away for her to travel to since she has to sit up in the carseat.

We cut the cast from her foot to mid-shin to relieve the swelling issues.

Happy New Year!

Welcome to 2013!  Hopefully it is a year full of love, laughter, joy, and happiness!

Sara and I would like to wish you a very happy new year, and we hope that it only brings you all the best life has to offer!

First Week At Home

Today marks 1 week since being discharged from the hospital.

Sara is doing well!  She is starting to be awake more, and seems to be trending back to a normal functional level.  Acceptance of her new limitations has started to sink in, and hopefully that will makes things a little smoother.  So far that mixed with the pain has made for a very grumpy and angry little girl.  We've had some real anger issues; whining and crying mostly, but every day gets a little better.

We are still dealing with some pain and medication issues, and still going around the clock.  I'm tired from getting up multiple times at night, but its worth it to know it helps her to rest more comfortably.  There are also some nutrition issues we are dealing with (Sara hasn't been eating very well since surgery).  The last issue we continue to battle is the swelling in her right foot.  I have to watch it very carefully, and use elevation and ice packs throughout the day and night to keep the swelling down.  And then, of course, there is all the issues involved with the cast itself...like learning new ways to changing diapers, wash hair, and changing to different positions often to avoid developing sores on her back.

I haven't even taken her out of the house yet.  Between the weather being so cold here and Sara's discomfort, going out just hasn't seemed like a good idea.  Maneuvering her into the car and the new wheelchair, and dealing with all the issues that might arise, just seems like more than she can handle (and I want to take on) for the moment.  Maybe that's a project to tackle next week!

I'm hoping that by later next week (even if we can't go out), Sara will maybe be up for a play date with a friend or two since I know she has friends who are wanting to come and see her.  Sara has had family come to see her almost every day since being home, and is always very tired after a visit.  Usually a nap is needed afterward, or at least some veg time in front of the TV.  The rest of the time is passed with coloring, video games, and playing with some of the toys that arrived under the tree a couple days ago.  (Santa was thinking this year when he picked out what to bring her.)

I also made Sara's follow-up appt when we hope to cut her cast off.  It's scheduled for Jan. 29th!  Let's hope we can take it off then and move her to a splint instead of keeping the cast on for longer.  It would be a great birthday present for Sara!

2012 Christmas Letter

As most years do, this one has come with its trials and triumphs.  For once our year was not completely consumed by Sara's medical status, as previous years have been. And because of this, we got the opportunity to participate in many more events with CTF and the family than in previous years.  I would like to think that for the most part, we lived a "normal" life this year.

This year started with Sara's 5th birthday.  It wasn't a big event this year, but as this whole year showed, a key person was missing.  This year was filled with events that reminded us of Amy's absence.  It was harder some times than others, but we all still miss her VERY much!

In February, we made what has become an annual trip to Disney.  We went to Disneyland in CA, and enjoyed a long weekend together.  For the first time in I can't remember how long, my dad, sister, myself, Sara, and my nephew were together on a family trip.  We did it for a couple reasons...to restart our relationship as a new family since over the last several years our relationships have been very strained, and to help us to grieve the loss of my step-mother.  It was a difficult trip. but a lot of fun at the same time.  I just had to focus on Sara and Corbin's amazement and excitement!  My dad has already decided that he wants to go to Disney World in 2013, and it sounds like he has quite the idea of what that trip will look like!  Should be a good time!

In July, we were invited to Colorado National Speedway to see the CTF car in its first local race!  We got to go into the pits, meet the driver, and all the local NF Heroes (including Sara) had their names printed on the car as part of the paint job to honor them.  Sara is a huge racing fan (We watch NASCAR each week), so this was a big deal for her!  I hope they come back again next year so that we can see the car in action again!

Another big event over the summer for us, was Sara's new walker!  Sara decided at the end of last school year she wanted to walk "like the other kids in her class".  So to PT we went, and with a new walker Sara grew in leaps and bounds.  After several months, Sara was walking like a champ.  She uses her walker most of the day at school walking to specials, lunch, and recess.  Its amazing to see, especially since doctors told us it wasn't ever going to happen!

Sara started kindergarten this year, and does she love it!  Sara loves her teacher and new friends, and they love her as well.  She continues to be at the head of the class academically, but has struggled some with her fine motor skills.  She has excelled at reading and math, and is always in love with art projects.  We look forward to doing the science fair early in 2013!

Again this year, we attended the Annual Denver NF Walk.  I was on the planning committee this year, and it was a lot of fun...and a lot of work!  It was great to see everyone come out and support CTF and all those affected by NF.  We had a big team again this year, and its so amazing to see everyone come out who loves Sara so very much and supports her through it all.  Sara also received the NF Hero Award this year at the walk, which was a pretty big deal.  They give the award out to one child each year who shows perseverance and helps to spread awareness of NF throughout the community.

In November, Sara got the opportunity to try something new.  My sister has become involved with a horse rescue this year, so we got the opportunity to take Sara riding.  Sara was fearful at first, but warmed up to the big animals.  She started riding with me, but as you can see, got to the point of riding alone with someone walking along side her and someone else leading the horse.  I'm hopeful that once Sara is out of her cast from surgery early next year, that then maybe she will be able to do some therapy riding to regain strength in her lower muscles.

And in December, the biggest event of the year for us....Sara's hip surgery!  It went amazingly well, and Sara showed what little girls are really made of.  Strength, love, resilience, and determination!  She rose to the occasion like she always does, and faced this amazingly scary event with a grace and understanding beyond her years!  She will have the cast until early or mid-February.

Happy holidays to all of our friends and family!  We pray the Lord watches over you now and always. Have a very happy and fulfilling new year!

We're Home!!!

Today we got to come home!  I would have posted sooner, but it was kind of a whirlwind day.  Since there was a lot of things that had to be coordinated for Sara to leave the hospital, it was a parade of people coming in and out of her room starting at about 6am, and lasting until the moment we left at about 1:45pm.  We had to organize a special carseat to fit her cast, special diapers big enough to cover her cast, and of course, a special wheelchair she'll need to accommodate her cast as well.

The carseat was easy, its a loaner from the hospital and we just return it at the appt. when we cut the cast off.  Sara can't wait!  The wheelchair will be delivered tomorrow afternoon some time, and we got some of the diapers from the hospital and the rest will be delivered early next week.

Sara is doing well over all.  I think she's glad to be home, and in her own bed, on her own couch, and just at home period!  We managed to get her hair washed and a sponge bath (she wasn't smelling so good) and learned a lot doing it...like what not to do next time.  But I figure there will be a lot of that in the next couple days as we figure out the best way to do lots of things a new way.

I'm so glad to be home too!  Even though I have to get up several times each night to keep Sara on pain meds around the clock for the next week or so, it will be nice just to be in my own bed.  Hopefully we will both get more rest now that we are at home cause I know we are both exhausted....and the pain meds make her even more sleepy.  No nurses checking in, no vitals every 2 hours, no beeping alarms when Sara's heart rate is too high or her O2 stats drop below 90 for 3 seconds.

I assume for the next several days there will be lots of TV, Wii, games, books, crafts, and most importantly....NAPS!  I've already told Sara if she really wants to have her cast off in 6 weeks instead of 8, she needs to be sleeping lots, eating well, and drinking lots.  Those are the things that will allow her body to heal as quickly as possible.

I can now finally turn my sights to Christmas, and all the wonder it will hold for Sara!  I still have some things to do, but I think I can get it all done.  I have to...Santa never fails!

Thank you again to all of you who have been so supportive over the last few days...and throughout Sara's continued NF journey!  We are forever grateful for your love and support.

Hospital Day 2

Sara had a great night!  She still isn't reporting any intense pain.  She slept as well as you can in a hospital with nurses waking you up every couple hours.

Here are some pics from yesterday and this morning.

Sara in recovery yesterday!

This is Sara's post-op x-ray.  It is her left hip looking down from the sky while she lays on the bed.  If you look close, you can see the break and, of course, the hardware.

This picture is from this morning, and gives you an idea of how major the cast is.  It reaches all the way to her ribs!

Another close up of the cast.

These are just some of the Cheer Cards that you all have sent from the hospital website.  Every time new ones arrive Sara gets a huge smile, and when we read them says thank you to each one of you!  This picture is only about half the ones she's received.  Don't stop sending them!

The doctor came in this morning and said that we should be able to head home tomorrow.  He said we might even have be able to head home late today, but with the mini blizzard that came in overnight he's happy to send us home tomorrow.  Sara is still doing great, and we're hoping to transition her to oral pain meds this afternoon.  We also have to trim the cast a little around her urostomy site.  Its very difficult to change her bag right now because there isn't enough room.

Thank you to everyone who has supported Sara and I through this, and everything else that Sara has been through on her journey with NF!  We wouldn't have made it this far without you!

Sara's Surgical Journey

Hello all!

First off, I want to say thank you for all the love and support that we have received leading up to this major (and possibly life changing) surgery for Sara!  Its already been quite a journey just getting ready.

With that said, I will be posting updates to this post as often as they become available to me.  Sara's surgery is scheduled to start at 7:30am on Dec. 18th, and I have been told it will last approximately 5 hours.


(All times listed below are local (Colorado) time!)

7:57am - I just came out to the waiting room from watching Sara fade off to sleep in the OR.  They use gas to knock her out, and then do all the IVs and pokes after she's asleep.  It took her a while to fall asleep cause she kept trying to take the mask off.  But through it all, she's shown little fear this morning!  She's a trooper!

Sara did great this morning on the way to the hospital.  She was in good spirits, and it even started snowing as we got closer to the hospital.  In pre-op, she continued with her good mood, but was shy with the doctors.  She did answer their questions and was cooperative...for the most part.  She was even still smiling as we walked down the hall to the OR.  She thought mommy and daddy looked pretty funny all dressed up like doctors.  The nurse told me it would be a couple hours before the first update, and then I should expect one every hour after that (give or take).

Lord, please watch over my baby as she goes through this journey.  Guide the hands of her amazing surgeons and staff, and please help her to have as little pain as possible once she wakes up.  Please grant her a quick recovery.  Amen.


9:06am - I just got the first call from the OR.  It took them a while to get all the IVs and other tubes in, so they didn't actually get the surgery started until about 9am.  Let the waiting continue!

10:08am - I just got a call saying that they are almost done!!  All the hardware is in and Sara is stable.  Then nurse said they had a great team that worked really efficiently and they also didn't have to do as much repair as it was thought would be needed.  They are closing right now and will be starting to put the cast on soon.  The nurse said that it could take an hour or so to get the cast on.  Hopefully next time I update it will be to say that she's done and heading to recovery!

11:01am - Sara will be in recovery by noon. She is having her cast put on now. Next time I update will be after we've talked to the doctor and moved Sara out of recovery and into her room upstairs. It will probably be a couple of hours until then!

1:44pm - Sara is upstairs in her room, and doing well.  She's still really out of it and is mostly unresponsive (staring into space) unless the nurse has to mess with her and tries to take her blankets off to look at her.  She did throw up a little bit of pain medication they gave her in post-op when we arrived upstairs, but the nurse thinks that's just because of all the movement of the bed on the way here.  She's been fine since!

When she woke up, the first thing she said was she wanted to move her legs!  My heart just broke for her.  Its going to be a long 8 weeks.  She currently has a nerve block in her leg for pain control.  It should last about 24 hrs.  They also gave her some IV pain meds, so hopefully we can keep her comfortable through the night at least.

I'll update again later tonight after everyone goes home.  Lots of people are here to make sure she's doing well.  And its nice to know all this support is here!  Hopefully I'll get a couple pictures up tonight as well.  And thank you so much to all of you who have already used the link I sent out to send Sara a cheer card from the hospital website.  They were delivered about 15 minutes after we came up here, and they brought the first smile to her face.  Thank you for that!!


You can find more info about Sara's surgery and the remainder of our stay at the hospital by clicking here.

Still Missing Amy!

Today is the one year anniversary of my step-mom's death!

Its been a rough year, and I still miss her so very much!  I wish she was here with us now.  She was always so strong and calm when everyone else was stressed and freaking out.  And to be honest, between the last 2 weeks of illness, and Sara's surgery only 6 days away...I'm freaking out!

She always had a smile on her face and a story to share.  She could brighten any day, no matter how dark.  And through all the pain and suffering she went through in the last couple years of her life, she never let it get her down.  I wish I was half the amazing person she was.

I miss you Amy!  I wish you were still with us!  I wish that Sara had had the chance to know you as I do.  I know we didn't always see eye to eye in many things, but I always valued your opinion (to bad I never told you that when I had the chance).  I know Dad misses you more than anyone!  There is no one else like you, and never will be.  You are a true inspiration to those of us you left behind.  I feel truly honored and blessed that I got to have you in my life.

Please watch over Sara next week!  Keep her safe, be her guardian angel!  I have no doubt that you have been watching over her for the last year.  Thank you!

I love you!  Woof!

Seasonal Sickness

Its been a rough couple weeks at our house!

I came down with whatever horrible virus is going around last week.  And boy, is it a doozy!  I'm on day 9 and just feeling human.  Still have some cough, but the majority of my symptoms have passed, including the 102+ fever I had for 4 days straight.

I did every thing I could to keep Sara from catching it, but with a virus there's only so much you can do.  Unfortunately, Sara started showing signs of catching it this last weekend.  And Monday, the school called to come get her...her temp was 102.

Now its a race to get her better before surgery!  Luckily, it seems that her fever is over and she's on the mend.  She seems to be feeling a little better today.  She's asking to go to school, even though she is still congested.  But I think its a good sign.

Hopefully tomorrow Sara will return to school, and I will finally return to work after being gone for 5 days (right before I'm about to take 3 weeks off for Sara's surgery).  Admittedly, not the best time to be sick and taking time off.

And through it all, my roommate has been trying desperately not to get it...and my boyfriend was the first to have it, so he's been out a lot too recently.  I'm just glad we're at the end of this illness.  Its been ugly, and very stressful with Sara's surgery so close.

Hopefully things will only get better from here!

It's 60 degrees...

...on the last day of Nov. We decided to play outside!!

Sara loves her hand trike!!

Feeling the Weight of What's to Come

Today I woke up with that feeling...

You know the one...completely overwhelmed and feeling like you just can't face what you know is coming.  It didn't help that I had a dream involving Sara's upcoming surgery and I couldn't shake "that" feeling once I was awake.

I look at my list of all the things I have to do, and have coming up, and all the people counting on me, and its scary!  How am I suppose to pull this off?  I know that I have pulled off some amazing things in the past (or so I've been told), but that doesn't guarantee I can do it again.

I just feel like whatever I do will not be enough.  I'm bound to let somebody down or do something that will make the people most important to me disappointed in me.  I don't know how it will happen, or when, but there is no way I can make it all the way through this part of life's obstacle course without tripping at least once and face planting into the dirt.

As the day went on, my feeling got worse.  I had thoughts of the fact that I'm crazy to put my daughter through this surgery.  They're going to cut her!!  My baby!!  And use power tools to saw her leg bone into two pieces!!!  And then more power tools to put a plate and screws into her bone to put it all back together!!  Then sew her muscles and skin like you would a dress!!!  OMG, I'm crazy to do this!!!

And then a littler further into the day, and thank our great Lord, I came back to a reasonable thought pattern.  Some of the credit for that goes to my amazing man!  He's good at distracting me from my stresses and helping me shift my focus....even when he doesn't realize it.  I know, without a doubt, I'm making the right choices for her.  If she is ever to walk consistently, or possibly without any kind of assistance, then this has to be done.

Its been a long time coming, and although she is scared Sara has told me it is what she wants.  I know she's only 5 years olds, and you're thinking there's no way she has a clue about what this really is....but I tell you she does!  We talk about it often, and she knows what is going to happen.  She asks me questions about it daily, asked the doctor questions when we had her pre-op appt., and tells me how she feels about it often.  She is able to tell other people what is going to happen to her, and how long we think it will take for her to be up and moving again.  She knows it will hurt, be a lot of work, and hopefully in the end it will get her the results she wants.

It gives me great strength to know that she is aware...and has acceptance for what will happen!  She is scared, she tells me so....and that means I'm not suppose to be.  But honestly, I'm terrified!  Do I tell her I'm scared?  Will it scare her more to know I'm afraid too?  I tell her that its ok if she's afraid, anyone would be...even grown ups.

Please God, just give me the strength to get Sara through this...hopefully without too many speed bumps or stumbles along the way.  And also, thank you Lord, for the most amazing people you have brought into Sara and my's life that will support us through this big journey.  I feel ever so blessed to be surrounded by those most giving, caring people I've ever been blessed to know...both close and far away.

Pictures!!

Ok, so maybe I'm not good at remembering to post pictures on a schedule. So here's a bunch of random photos from the last two weeks.

Because Sara Said I had to...

Happy Birthday to me (aka Mommy)!!

Thanks peanut!!  Love you Sara!