Friday, May 20, 2011

Not again....

I have a good friend with a son just a month younger than Sara.  Like me, she's a single mom.  Her son was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis last year at about this time.  I remember how hard that was for her.  Her son was sick all the time, and it took months to get to a diagnosis.  I walked with her every step of the way having already walked the road trying to diagnose Sara's NF.  And when they finally diagnosed him, Sara and I flew to be with them in MN for a weekend.  We just did normal vacation like stuff.  We took the kids to the zoo, to the park, and other places.  I blogged about it at the time, and you can read that post here.  So far his CF has not been an issue for him, and I pray that it remains so for as long as God will allow it.

Recently her son has been having more problems.  He's been having heavy bleeding from his nose, several times a day.  He wakes up in the middle of the night covered in blood.  Its been really hard and so far no doctor has given her any piece of mind as to what might be causing it.  Today she took him to yet another doctor, and this doctor said that dreaded word no parent wants to hear.....cancer!!  She is going to test Jack for Leukemia!

Instantly when I read this on the screen (we're IMing) my emotions well up.  I have to fight back tears.  It reminds me of the day the doctors said that to me.  Sara might have cancer!  It was when we were still searching for a diagnosis.  How could my baby (Sara was only 6 mos. at the time) have cancer?!?  It was one of the scariest moments of my life.  I sobbed in that doctors office not knowing what else to do.  I slept on the floor of Sara's room (not ever really sleeping) just to make sure that she didn't stop breathing or change color.  I struggled to leave her side just to do simple things like shower because I was terrified something would happen until the results came back saying that it wasn't cancer.  And now as I read those words, it all comes flooding back.  The pain, the fear, the anger!  How can this happen again?  And to a child that I would take as my own if something were to happen to my friend!! It makes me want to leave work this instant and go get my daughter, hold her close to me and not ever let go!  I thank God every day that Sara is doing so well, and by Sara standards she is healthy! 

There are no words to ease her fear, and knowing that I've lived it probably won't help her either.  And of course there is always the dreaded waiting game, which is the part going on now.  Waiting for those blood results, that piece of paper that can forever change both their lives.  I just wish there was something I could do.  Some magical words or something I could do.  But that isn't how it works!  No one had those words for me because they don't exist, and it will be the same for her.  All I can hope for now is that God will provide her the strength she needs to get through this.  She is a strong woman, she's survived so much!  And when she finally knows what it is I can do for her to help ease her burden, I will be here waiting.