For the last 48 hours, my family has been facing a major crisis. One of our own is very sick. And although we want to help, we can do very little except wait.
It has left me raw and exposed since I have had to face many emotions including anger, fear, pain, and loss. It brings back the pain of Sara's diagnosis, and how I had to learn to accept the fact that there is no cure. I remember clearly the day I woke up and finally was able to look at Sara and not see her NF any more, but only see her. It was the day I finally found that acceptance!
I look back on those days often, and had always thought that God was trying to teach me to trust him and that I didn't always need to fix it. But I'm a fixer; that's what I do! So I was convinced that lesson was what I was supposed to learn. So I stopped pushing to try and find a fix for Sara's NF, and just started to enjoy life with her the way that God obviously meant it to be.
The first time that I believe God present this lesson was when my dad was diagnosed with MS. He was 52, and it scared me to death. I spent hours and hours on the Internet researching studies and any information available looking for that one piece that I could use to make him better...I never found it! I failed to learn the lesson that I think God had set before me, and maybe that's why I had to learn it again with Sara.
And no, I don't believe at all that Sara wouldn't have NF if I had learned it the first time. Sara wouldn't be who she is without her NF; its made her one of the strongest people I know, brought my family closer together, and she's taught me more than anything else in my life ever could. Sara has her NF because she has many lessons to teach many people, and God knows she's the right one for the job and that's why she is the way she is. This is part of the acceptance it took me a while to find. I didn't do anything wrong to make her that way, God made her that way...and he has a good reason, or many good reasons.
But here we are, and I feel like God is asking me to repeat this lesson for the third time. So maybe that isn't what God was trying to teach me the first time, or maybe there's a different lesson here. But its all so familiar...a sick family member, no cure, and all the healing and work that is yet to come.
I know God has a plan, and I want to trust that he will do what is best for all of us...but I have doubts. Maybe that is the ultimate lesson I am to learn, to trust Him. At church last night, that was the sermon the pastor gave. That trusting in God was not an easy thing, and many people fail God's tests many times. Abraham did, and until he was willing to sacrifice his only son did he really trust in God. I really hope that God doesn't ask me to sacrifice my only daughter to learn to trust him, cause I'd definitely be taking an F for that lesson, but I know that I need to trust Him more.
I seem to trust more when things are out of my control, but that rarely happens since I hate being out of control. Maybe that's why God has presented me with this situation. There is nothing I can do to change it; I have to find a way to accept it. Maybe in my acceptance of the situation I will find that absolute trust I'm looking for. And maybe I have it all wrong about which lesson this is...but if I do, why that sermon on the night when I was in the most need of answers?
Sometimes I just wish God would just come and say it. "Hey Julie! This is the lesson I'm trying to teach you." It would make religion and my understanding of Him so much easier. But when is anything in life easy?