You know the one...completely overwhelmed and feeling like you just can't face what you know is coming. It didn't help that I had a dream involving Sara's upcoming surgery and I couldn't shake "that" feeling once I was awake.
I look at my list of all the things I have to do, and have coming up, and all the people counting on me, and its scary! How am I suppose to pull this off? I know that I have pulled off some amazing things in the past (or so I've been told), but that doesn't guarantee I can do it again.
I just feel like whatever I do will not be enough. I'm bound to let somebody down or do something that will make the people most important to me disappointed in me. I don't know how it will happen, or when, but there is no way I can make it all the way through this part of life's obstacle course without tripping at least once and face planting into the dirt.
As the day went on, my feeling got worse. I had thoughts of the fact that I'm crazy to put my daughter through this surgery. They're going to cut her!! My baby!! And use power tools to saw her leg bone into two pieces!!! And then more power tools to put a plate and screws into her bone to put it all back together!! Then sew her muscles and skin like you would a dress!!! OMG, I'm crazy to do this!!!
And then a littler further into the day, and thank our great Lord, I came back to a reasonable thought pattern. Some of the credit for that goes to my amazing man! He's good at distracting me from my stresses and helping me shift my focus....even when he doesn't realize it. I know, without a doubt, I'm making the right choices for her. If she is ever to walk consistently, or possibly without any kind of assistance, then this has to be done.
Its been a long time coming, and although she is scared Sara has told me it is what she wants. I know she's only 5 years olds, and you're thinking there's no way she has a clue about what this really is....but I tell you she does! We talk about it often, and she knows what is going to happen. She asks me questions about it daily, asked the doctor questions when we had her pre-op appt., and tells me how she feels about it often. She is able to tell other people what is going to happen to her, and how long we think it will take for her to be up and moving again. She knows it will hurt, be a lot of work, and hopefully in the end it will get her the results she wants.
It gives me great strength to know that she is aware...and has acceptance for what will happen! She is scared, she tells me so....and that means I'm not suppose to be. But honestly, I'm terrified! Do I tell her I'm scared? Will it scare her more to know I'm afraid too? I tell her that its ok if she's afraid, anyone would be...even grown ups.
Please God, just give me the strength to get Sara through this...hopefully without too many speed bumps or stumbles along the way. And also, thank you Lord, for the most amazing people you have brought into Sara and my's life that will support us through this big journey. I feel ever so blessed to be surrounded by those most giving, caring people I've ever been blessed to know...both close and far away.
I really wish we lived near one another so I could come and hang out with you during surgery. Those things are hard.
ReplyDeleteOne thing to remember is that if the surgeon says the operation will take 2 hours you can pretty much bank on a 4 hour procedure. I've had that a few times myself with Joey.
I don't know how many surgeries Sara has had but there are wires and tubes and monitors everywhere when you see her for the first time. The longer she goes and the better she does they come off one by one.
For the very first time (Nov 12) when Joey had surgery recently, I took one Xanax. And while I was still concerned and worried everything was so manageable and I was able to not cry my eyes out for the first time ever during surgery.
Sending Hugs and Prayers your way. She has a great medical team and incredible mom.
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