An Answer to My Question

Ever since Sara was diagnosed with NF, I've wondered if I'm the reason she has it.  How can a mother not wonder if it was her fault her child turned out to be sick with a life long illness??  I know that many people who have NF have very few or no symptoms, and that Sara is the very rare case where the disease just gets out of control.  Her doctors told us that it was unlikely she received the disease from me or her father, but I still wonder cause they can't say for sure.

Well, thanks to a new doctor I saw for the first time last week I will finally have an answer to my question.  She's willing to test me for NF...and get it covered by the insurance!!  The test is VERY expensive and I didn't have a way (or willing doctor) to get it covered before now, so that's why I've wondered for the last 4.5 years.

And now that I have the opportunity to know for sure, I'm not sure I want to know at all.  But if I know, will it really change anything?  Obviously if its positive it won't affect my life and the way I live, and it won't change a thing about how the disease affects Sara either.  The chance that it would start to cause problems for me now is very small; the reason being that the disease thrives on growth hormones...and at my age I'm done with the growing part of life.  But that is the reason its been so progressive for Sara, and she still has puberty to go (when it usually is the most aggressive).  But that's something I can't worry about now. 

I'm nervous, but not scared!  And mostly I just can't believe that I will finally know for sure...was it me?